Children engage in problem behaviors. It’s true of children with disabilities and it’s true of typically developing children. Part of growing up is learning which behaviors are and are not appropriate, and to figure that out, kids try out all kinds of behaviors. Most parents understand the basics of putting in place consequences to stop problem behaviors, but far fewer parents know the tricks to teaching kids how to start using more appropriate behaviors. Below, I’ll explain some step-by-step processes to start getting your child to do the right thing!

The strategies below are also super helpful if you simply want to teach your child some new skills because they are growing up and need to learn to do some new tasks. Maybe you want to teach your child how to do a new chore or complete a self-care routine independently. Keep reading for tips on how to use behavioral strategies to help your child gain independence!

Step 1: Understanding why problem behaviors happen

People do what works for them. The behaviors that all people engage in are the ones that get them what they want. If every time a child asks for a cookie, she’s given a cookie, then it’s likely she’ll keep using her words to request. If, in contrast, every time she has a tantrum she’s offered a cookie as a distraction to help her calm down, she’s likely to start having tantrums to get cookies.

Said another way, people do whatever behavior leads them to the reward or payout they want. Everyone works for payouts. You may love your job, but if they stopped paying you, it’s likely you would stop going.

If you want to change your child’s problem behaviors, you need to think about two things. First, you need to be sure the problem behavior no longer gets your child the payout. Second, you need to be sure that the new, replacement behavior immediately results in the payout. Replacement behaviors are simply the new behavior you’re going to teach your child to replace the old problem behavior you want them to stop using.

Imagine that your child hits you whenever he’s frustrated and wants help. You are tired of being hit and wish he’d just use his words. Hitting is the problem behavior and asking for help is the replacement behavior.

Step 2: Focusing on replacement behaviors

Most parents use one of two strategies when trying to stop behaviors. They use time-out or they ignore the problem behaviors. These are two of the most well-known strategies and they can be extremely effective when used correctly. That being said, they’re only focused on the problem behaviors. Neither of those strategies does anything to increase the child’s use of the replacement behaviors.

Before you can teach a replacement behavior, you have to identify what would be an appropriate behavior for your child. Imagine a child who is constantly interrupting. If the parents wants to teach a replacement behavior, they need to first identify what would be appropriate based on the child’s current developmental level. When you are trying to replace a problem behavior with an appropriate one, you always need to ensure that your child can do the skill.  He won’t say “Excuse me, Mom, may I speak?” if he only speaks in 1-2 word phrases right now.  If you continue to try to teach him to do more than he reasonably can, he will continue to use his inappropriate strategies because they are easier for him .

Step 3: Teaching new behaviors

Whether you’re reading this post because you’re trying to replace a problem behavior or because you just want to help your child learn a new skill, the strategies from this point on become pretty similar.

Before you start teaching the skill, you have to clearly identify exactly what you’re going to teach. Then, take a moment to determine whether the child has the skill to do that behavior or whether he or she is going to need some help learning the skill.

For example, if I want my child to dress herself instead of falling to the floor and screaming when I say it’s time to get dressed, I need to ensure she can handle all the steps related to getting dressed. I may know that she has the motor skills to do all the tasks, but she doesn’t have the experience to actually know how to do it. This would be a perfect behavior to break down into steps and teach.

Maybe I want my child to learn how to load the dishwasher and run it. Although he’s never done it before, I know that he’s physically capable of doing it, he just has to learn how.

Remember, any skill that has multiple steps (e.g., getting dressed on his own) should be broken into simple steps and then taught through a process called chaining.

Step 4: Chaining Skills

Chaining is simply a process in which you teach just one step at a time and then, once the child has learned the skills, you link (or chain) those steps together until he can do the whole thing.  With getting dressed, you might first focus on putting on a shirt, then add putting on underwear, then add putting on pants, then add putting on socks. Even within a single step, you may need to use chaining to help the child learn how to put on the shirt. You might start by putting the child’s arms and head in the shirt and just prompt him to pull it down. Then you help put his head in the shirt and let him push his arms through and pull it down. Finally he puts on the shirt all by himself.

Chaining is an extremely helpful approach because it allows you to teach your child a really hard skill in tiny steps so she never gets overwhelmed. If you’re tired of your child leaving her lunchbox on the counter when she walks in the door from school, you can use chaining to teach her how to empty it and put each items where it goes. If your child still needs help brushing her teeth, you can use chaining to teach her how to complete all the steps.

To use chaining, decide whether to start with the first step (called forward chaining) or the last step (called backwards chaining). Either approach works, it depends on what makes the most sense. Some skills naturally call for one approach or the other. For example, most parents naturally teach their child to zip a coat using backwards chaining. The adult gets the zipper parts connected and pulls the zipper 1/2 way up and let the child do the last little pull. They then slowly fade the amount of zipping and allow the child to do more and more. Finally, the adult lets the child attach the two parts of the zipper and do the entire skill. It just makes sense to use backwards chaining for this skill.

In contrast, most adults naturally use forward chaining to teach children how to make a bowl of cereal. The adult will start by having the child get out the cereal and the bowl and then the adult opens cereal, pours it in, and adds the milk. Eventually the child begins to pour the cereal and the adult just adds the milk. Finally, the child makes the entire bowl of cereal independently.

Step 5: Using prompting to help

Sometimes when you’re teaching a skill, even if you’ve broken it into small steps, your child may not do the step when you ask. If your child doesn’t do the steps when you ask him to, you may have to give some prompts or cues to help your child complete the task.  You can use a variety of prompts depending on how much support he needs. If you tell your child to get his sock and he doesn’t do it, you might try telling him “get your sock” again, you might point to the sock, or you might even go take him over to the sock and help him pick it up. Each of these possible cues, or prompts, lets the child know what it is you are expecting him to do.

Using prompting is extremely helpful because it gives the child an extra bit of guidance to be certain they’re able to complete task. Whenever you give a child a command, you want to ensure that they follow through with the expectation. If you tell your child to pick up her sock and then after 3 prompts go get it for her, she’s just learned to ignore you until you stop bothering her.

Rather than teach your child to ignore you, you should try to teach your child how to follow directions. Prompting is a structured way of making sure your child consistently follows directions. Whenever you give a command, if your child doesn’t immediately comply, you can use one of the prompting levels to help him or her follow through. Your goal is to use the LEAST amount of prompting necessary to gain compliance. You don’t want to give your child more help than necessary, you just want to be sure the task gets done.

The Levels of Prompting chart shows you the various levels of prompting available. The prompts are listed from 1 to 7, with 1 being the least amount of help and 7 being the most.

Level 1: No prompting – the child can independently do the task.

Level 2: The child does the task with just a visual cue. Maybe you leave your child a note to take out the trash or send a text to put dinner in the oven.

Level 3: The child does the task when you point or otherwise gesture at the items. Your child was supposed to put away the pile of laundry and it’s still sitting on the couch next to her. You just point at the laundry and she remembers what she was supposed to do.

Level 4: The child completes the task with a verbal reminder. You notice that your child left the milk on the counter and remind him to put it away.

Level 5: The child does the task when you show her what to do. You asked your child to fold the laundry but she didn’t do it properly. You model how to fold one towel and she gets the rest done without an issue.

Level 6: The child does the task when you physically tap or touch him. You asked your child to put his toys in the bin. He keeps playing. You gently nudge his arm or shoulder toward the toy bin and he puts the toy away.

Level 7: The child does the task when you physically help her. You told your child to clean up her crayons. She does not put any away. You gently use her hand to pick up a crayon and drop it in the bin, modeling what she needs to do.

When you give a command, if your child isn’t compliant, use a prompt. You’ll likely have to guess which level of prompting to use to start, but that’s okay. If your child still doesn’t comply after your prompt, you may need to increase the prompting until you get compliance. For example, if I tell my child to clean up her toys and she doesn’t do it, I might start with a level 3 prompt and point to the pile of toys to be sure she understood the command. If she still doesn’t clean them up, I may increase the prompting and tell her again or tap her on the arm to remind her to do what was asked.

Remember, use the least amount of prompting necessary and slowly fade out the prompts. If I used level 5 prompting to help my child fold the laundry, after a couple of times I should be able to drop down to a level 4 prompt and simply remind the child what to do. Keep slowly dropping down a level of prompting until your child can do the skill all by himself!

A final thought

Although it may seem like you are breaking things down into a thousand steps, and it may seem that your child will never be able to do the new skill all by himself or herself, it will happen.  Try to think back to when you were learning to drive a car: you likely had to stop and think of every step, often reminding yourself aloud (“Check my mirrors, check my blind spot, put on my turn signal, put the car in reverse, accelerate slowly, put in drive, turn the wheel, whew – I made it out of that parking spot!”).  You may have even had someone talk you through each step initially, but given time and practice, you learned to do the steps independently.  By now, you likely can pull out of a parking spot without much thought at all – it’s an automatic skill.  The same progression is true for your child.  Initially, you may need to break skills into small steps or give lots of prompts and reminders, but eventually you will be able to fade those out and your child will do the skill independently! The more consistent you are in breaking skills down and prompting your child to do those skills, the quicker you’ll see your child master the skill!