​This is the third post in a connected series on the basics of child behavior. Click here if you want to go back to the first post on the causes of child behavior or here for the second one on changing child behavior! These posts will break down the basics of understanding problem child behaviors, why child behaviors occur, how to prevent problem child behaviors, and how to handle child behaviors when they occur.

This third post will focus on using reward systems to increase appropriate child behaviors.

REWARD SYSTEMS FOR KIDS TIP 1: Use what’s motivating to change child behavior

There are many situations in which the use of reward systems can be extremely important in changing child behaviors.  For children who engage in attention-seeking behaviors it can be especially important to use your attention as a reward.  You know your child is motivated by your attention, so giving your attention to him when he’s making the right choices can help him quickly change his behaviors.  Additionally, whenever you teach your child a new skill or strategy, you should consider using reward systems to keep her motivated and interested in learning and using the new behavior.

REWARD SYSTEMS FOR KIDS TIP 2: rewards are not bribes

Whenever the idea of using reward systems is mentioned, many parents become concerned that they are being told to bribe their child.  Reward systems are not the same as bribery; all people are driven by rewards.  Adults get paid to go to work, and although many people like their jobs, most people would likely stop going to work if they didn’t get paid.  Many companies offer incentive programs that give extra vacation days for extra years of service or bonuses for high productivity.  Your paycheck, vacation days, and bonuses are all rewards for work – they are not bribes.  Reward systems are agreed upon in advance of the situation while bribes are offered in the middle of a problem behavior to try to gain compliance.  Consider two scenarios.  In Scenario One you tell your child he can earn an extra 10 minutes of computer time for cleaning his room each day.  Each day, he knows what he must do to earn his reward.  If he doesn’t clean his room, he doesn’t earn the time – end of discussion.  In Scenario Two you tell your child to clean his room and he refuses, and then you beg and he still refuses, and then you offer to let him play on the computer if he cleans it and he complies; now you have bribed your child.  If you bribe your child, he may actually learn to initially refuse tasks because he learns that you’ll eventually offer him something to comply. 

Bribery is not a good strategy but reward systems are essential for all people and are necessary to change child behavior.  In reality, nearly every task we complete has some reward built in.  Even people who volunteer for an organization often describe the experience as “rewarding” because they either feel good about what they’ve done or they feel that they have helped the world.  We all work for rewards, children are no different, so using a reward system is a great way to keep kids motivated and encourage them to use appropriate behaviors.

REWARD SYSTEMS FOR KIDS TIP 3: limit access

If you want to use a reward system with your child, it is important to find out what matters to your child and use that as a reward to improve child behavior. Children are all different, so each child may have different rewards that they prefer.  Remember that you cannot make your child work for something she doesn’t want.  A reward system will fail if your child doesn’t find it motivating! If you offer baseball cards as a reward, and your child doesn’t like baseball, he isn’t likely to work to earn them.  Choose your rewards for child behavior carefully.  Also keep in mind that people will not work for something they can get for free.  If your child is working to earn a piece of candy, but she can have candy anytime she wants if she just asks you, she won’t be motivated to work.  If adults were paid whether they went to work or not, they might stop going and just keep taking the salary!  Children work the same way; the rewards must be available only when the work is completed (i.e., they must show the expected child behavior to get the reward).  Some parents still insist that their children are not motivated by anything.  In this situation, it is usually that the children already have everything they could want.  It may be necessary to limit access to current privileges.  Watching TV, playing on the computer, having friends come over, having dessert after dinner are all privileges.  If your child isn’t motivated by earning anything new, it may be that she has realized that she has things pretty good already!  By limiting access to privileges until they are earned, you can provide motivation for your child.

One easy way to choose a reward for a reward system is to watch your child for 3 days.  During that time, see what he talks about, plays with, and asks you about.  Keep a list of what he uses, plays with, and asks about.  The items that recur frequently over those days are likely potential rewards for appropriate child behavior. 

REWARD SYSTEMS FOR KIDS TIP 4: time the rewards properly

Once you have a list of rewards to use to improve child behavior, you’re ready to make a reward system for your child. For very young children, you will need to use an immediate reward system. In an immediate reward system, the reward should be given almost immediately after the use of the desired child behavior. The child should be told what the expectation is and then, when they meet it, should immediately get the reward. For example, “If you remember to stay in the cart and use a quiet voice at the store, when we get in the car I’ll play your favorite song for us!” or “When all the toys are back in the bin, and you make your bed, we can do downstairs and play cars!”

For school-age children, rewards can often be delayed.  Children who are school-aged are often able to earn a reward for a behavior at one time and then receive the actual reward later.  For children who can handle waiting, a delayed reward system may be appropriate.  In a delayed reward system, the child may receive a token, a point, a checkmark, or another indicator of a good job.  Later in the day or the week, the child can “cash in” the points/tokens/etc. to get the desired prized.  Imagine an eight-year-old who does the dishes each night.  Each night, after his chore is done, his parents put a token in a jar.  At the end of the week, he is allowed to turn in the tokens to earn extra TV time – 10 minutes for each token.  In another example, a 6-year-old has to clear his dishes and push in his chair after each meal.  He has three meals each day, so by the end of the day, he could have earned up to 3 checkmarks.  Depending on number of checkmarks earned , he can earn 5, 10 or 15 minutes of Lego time before bed.  A reward chart can help you to track the rewards for child behavior when kids have a delayed reward system. 

REWARD SYSTEMS FOR KIDS TIPS 5 & 6: attention is a great reward and tantrums are not teachable moments!

It’s also important to remember that for children who want your attention, positive attention is an easy reward to use for child behavior.  Whenever possible try to notice your child being good and give her lots of praise and attention.  In addition to praising the good behavior, try to “ignore” the behaviors you don’t like.  Ignoring was placed in quotes because you are going to use a special kind of ignoring, called planned ignoring.  Planned ignoring does not mean you allow your child to misbehave.  If your daughter throws toys, you don’t just stand there and let her continue to throw them because that would be allowing.  Planned ignoring simply means that you handle the behavior without looking at or talking to your child.  If she is throwing toys at you, you might pick her up and move her away from the toys or move the toys out of her reach, but you do so without saying a word or looking at her.  Although most parents want to talk to their child to explain that they shouldn’t throw, hit, or scream, the truth is that your child is not going to listen to you during their problem behavior.  You cannot teach a child during a tantrum or misbehavior, it is more effective to safely get through the child behavior and then discuss the rules and expectations at a calmer time.  Tantrums (and other problem behaviors) are not teaching moments, and trying to teach your child at those times will ultimately frustrate you without changing the child behavior. 

Although this concept is often hard for most parents to believe, consider the pattern you and your child likely have.  Most likely, you have told your child multiple times that it is not okay to hit (or pinch or scream) when he was hitting (or pinching or screaming).  If you could teach your child during problem behaviors, you wouldn’t still be trying to change the child behavior; he would have already learned the rule.  “Ignore” the child behavior in the moment by safely blocking it, and teach later!

The past 3 blog posts have shared a lot of information on why behavioral problems happen, how to better understand, and then how to use reward systems and other strategies to reduce the problem behaviors in your child. Although changing child behavior won’t happen over night, consistently using the tools provided in these posts, including the consistent use of reward systems, can help you start the process to reduce problem behaviors in your child.

Want to learn more? This post is adapted from my book: Insiders Tips and Strategies for Parenting
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